A hidden variable: urgency isn’t universal
decision paralysis discussion #5
In the weeks leading up to my webinar on decision paralysis, we’ve explored aspects that are far more complicated than simply finding it hard to choose.
We’ve talked about the myth of the small decision, and how what looks like one tiny choice can contain a myriad of invisible decisions hidden beneath the surface. We’ve looked at the tragedy of the infinite menu, where too many possibilities leave the brain overwhelmed before it has even begun. We explored why you can’t make decisions when you don’t know what you need, and how every unmet need adds another layer of uncertainty. Most recently, we looked at what happens when every decision feels like a test of your worth, where the fear of getting it wrong becomes so heavy that making no decision at all can actually feel safer.
I hope that each article revealed another hidden variable in decision paralysis, leaving more room for exploration and discussion.
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However… there is another one I’d like to bring to your attention. Time. More specifically, the assumption that everyone experiences urgency in the same way.
Our world expects urgency to be universal. We automatically assume that if something matters, people will naturally feel that it matters. That a looming deadline should create motivation, that a calendar reminder should trigger action, that the closer we get to a due date, the stronger the internal pull to begin, you name it.
It seems obvious because for many people, that is exactly how it works. Yet not every brain experiences time in a way that aligns with calendars, clocks or external deadlines.
Some brains drift in rhythm rather than schedules. Some experience time in flashes and fog rather than predictable linear series of events. There are people who know that something needs doing, yet cannot quite connect with when it needs doing or why it suddenly feels so time critical. I’d say this is the difference between knowing something and feeling it.
Every decision usually contains two questions that need answering : What should I do? and When should I do it?. The first one is obvious and it appears in our minds almost instantaneously when facing a decision. That second one though may be harder to answer due to all of the above.
So, if the decision has already been made, why does nothing happen? Why can’t you get started? That gap, between deciding and beginning is another place where the decision paralysis can creep in. It can feel like standing on one side of a river, looking directly at the place you need to be, without any bridge connecting the two.
You just can’t seem to move - metaphorically speaking of course.
So, in this context, decision paralysis feels very different. It feels like wanting to do something, not being able to begin, feeling the pressure slowly pile up, watching the hours disappear, feeling increasingly guilty and finally forcing yourself to start through stress, fear and complete dysregulation. Then spending the rest of the day recovering as though you have just finished running for your life.
This is the point where it becomes clear that urgency is indeed not universal, more so how it taps into the systems of perceived threats where it can stop feeling like information and start feeling like danger.
The nervous system doesn’t distinguish particularly well between physical danger and social danger. Rejection, criticism, shame and the fear of letting people down, all activate the same protective systems that evolved to keep us alive.
Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn.
None of those states are designed for thoughtful decision-making, since your brain cannot calmly weigh priorities while it is simultaneously preparing for perceived failure. It cannot focus on performance while it is busy protecting you from rejection.
So sometimes it freezes, sometimes it floods with frantic energy, sometimes it over-functions, pushing through with extraordinary effort until the task is finished, only to collapse into exhaustion afterwards.
What others do not see are the negotiations happening inside a nervous system that has learned to associate urgency with danger instead of direction.
The point of the story is that you cannot scare a nervous system into feeling safe enough to make decisions. Of course fear can create movement but it is fuelled by survival which is incredibly costly… And so, if urgency isn’t universal, then neither is decision-making.
So, how does your brain experience urgency?
On the 14th of July at 7:30pm BST I am hosting a live webinar where we will explore decision paralysis in more depth. Hope you can join me, and if you can’t, all ticket holders will receive access to the recording.
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